Blair Witch 2: Book of Shadows
Plot:
After
the resounding success of the ‘Blair Witch Project‘, the wee little town of
Burkittsville Maryland is beset by a plague of omnipresent annoying tourists. A
small group composed of absolutely the most irritating and smelly amongst them,
decides to camp out in the dark and spooky woods of Black Hill in order to see if
the entirely fictional Blair Witch is real. Turns out she is, or maybe the
campers just raise the vengeful specters of long dead chipmunks with all of
their deep-woods whining. Either way, another nearby group of tourists is
massacred, and disturbing visions begin to haunt the remaining not-so-happy
campers. Also the witch/chipmunks start to mess with their AV
equipment.
Comments:
Excuse
me for one moment.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! WHY? WHY? WHY? THIS FILM?
HECATOMIX, WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN
ME? POR QUE?!
*Sob*
Ok,
better now.
I would have liked to be in the corporate boardroom where the decision to
green light this film was made. (Preferably while wielding some sort of
blunt instrument). Artisan needed a quick follow-up to the most successful independent film of
all time; sales of BWP sports bottles and key chains were down 28%! The
marketing gods demanded a sequel! But how to create an unneeded addendum to such a
fiercely minimalist film? More campers dying on a shaky camcorder? That would be
artistically derivative. (And more importantly, when consumers found out it was
just the same movie being regurgitated to them, they might not buy the new BWP2
tank tops!).
In his statement accompanying the BWP2 DVD, Director Joe
Berlinger claims that in order to combat audience preconception, he decided to
turn the whole BWP phenomenon on its head, satirizing the experience and giving
the audience a “horror movie with a deeper level of meaning”. Ah, yes. Blood +
Nipples + Group of complete prats = Horror. Very
deep.
Asshole.
As I may have hinted in my subtle little way, our cast of characters supplies the major agony in this
piece.
Never outside of a third-rate Italian zombie film
has a screenwriter managed to present a vision in which every single character
is such a gigantic unmitigated gobshite! I refuse to go back and learn
everyone’s names, but these are the vermin you’ll spend 90 minutes with if your
foolish enough to watch BWP2;
>The Goth chick- A petulant grimacing wretch, who like so many Goths makes the entire
point of her existence;
1.
Endeavoring to be as big an attention-seeking ass as humanly
possible.
2.Taking extreme umbrage when anyone notices
her.
> The Wiccan lass (her name is Erica, a fact that
I remember only because, oddly enough, I know a Wiccan named Erica) who
launches into histrionics any time someone mentions that some thing bad may be
happening, possibly involving a witch. She takes absolutely everything as a
personal insult. (“What do you
mean ‘Do I want Chinese or pizza for dinner?' Are you insinuating that witches
don’t eat pizza? Are you saying we’re cannibals?! This is just like the burning
times!”) This would be funny, if she weren’t so
shrill.
>The
researcher couple, who are writing a book on the Blair Witch. After the female
of the pair miscarries, she expresses relief that she no longer has to deal with
that icky life that was depending on her.
Her
husband takes her near catatonia due to extreme blood loss and shock, as an
opportunity to ethereally cheat on her with Erica. Maybe. I wish I could be less
vague on this point, but the movie seems to pride itself on sloppy uncertain
“Did it happen or not?” scenes in lieu of, you know, talented
filmmaking.
>Oh,
and the tour guide, who’s just a slimy little grifter.
The
entire plot is nonsensical by design, the dialog trite, and if any of these
scenes make you jump, you need to cut down on caffeine.
At least the ending is decidedly unhappy for all involved.
(Whereas the rest of the film was simply unpleasant for
me.
) This is
the sole reason I can afford this mess half a point.
For a
fan of creative, intelligent horror cinema, BWP2 is like looking at your
best friend’s autopsy photos.
0.5
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