The Curse of King Tut's Tomb
Plot:
Ok, try to keep up.
Tutankhamen was actually a messiah type sent by Ra to save humanity from Set,
god of darkness. Unfortunately, Tut wasn't able to actually kill old
anteater-head, so he sealed him away in hell temporarily. Now, in the post great
war era, Set is all set (sorry, couldn't resist) to return, due to the wicked
machinations of the Hellfire Council. (Sort of a poor man's Bilderburg Group.)
Only the intrepid young Danny Freemont and his amazing 'hide the whisky in the
spittoon in plain site of the villains' trick can save us.
If this made any sense to you, I'm sorry. I don't know how that happened. If you
actually watch this film, rest assured you'll be more confused than Lady
Sovereign in a second grade geography class.
Comments:
It's quite hard trying to describe this
film. Imagine if Stephen Sommers had been killed by a meteor and 'The Mummy' had
instead been directed by Uwe Boll, after being re-written by Ed Wood to fit
German budget constraints. That's a good start; now imagine that this is the
less ambitious dtv knockoff of that film. Oh yes, this film is amazingly dumb,
it's dumber on more levels that the film has, it's metaphysically dumb, and
therefore, in a way, more fun that a barrel of mummies, um... barrel-y things.
(Sorry, between that and the stupid Set joke, I don't want to get cited by the
pun police.)
Scriptwriter Dave Titcher liberally steals
from the aforementioned 'Mummy' series frequently and without shame. No, I
didn't say cribs, he steals; everything from the sweeping exposition, to certain
establishing shots, to entire friggin' characters. Though to give the writing
full measure of credit due, when Titcher actually branches out past plagiarism,
his work truly displays an incandescent stupidity. Tutankhamen has a metal
winged flying contraption. Dynamite is used to perfectly remove every grain of
sand from a ruin of unknown depth and dimension. The Hellfire Council has an
instant cure for TB, which they hide in order to be more evil one reckons. The
film also contains so many massive historical inaccuracies, from an electrified
Cairo to a pre-Carter discovery of Tut's tomb, the only way to reconcile things
is {minor spoiler alert} to erase everything which happens in the film from
existence. (Whew, and to think, that three hours of my life almost had a point!
Dodged a bullet there!)
The greatest insult and paradoxically most grievous complement I could lay on
this film, is that it finds magnificently creative, groundbreaking ways to be
idiotic.
Acting is every bit as self-consciously
ludicrous as one could hope from a made for fourth-tier cable tv knockoff of a
poplar film released a decade ago. (Wow, that makes me feel old! Then again, I
am a mummy.) Casper Van Dien plays Danny Freemont, sort of three quarters
Brendan Fraser, with a jigger of generic young Indiana Jones, and a dash of Art
Bell thrown in for good measure. Casper milk toast continues his proud tradition
of blandly smiling his way through another performance. Thanks to his sparkling
portrayal, I have no problem believing that Freemont and his crew routinely get
their asses handed to them by a slim, middle-aged college professor. (Jonathan
Hyde, the Egyptologist from 'The Mummy', of course!)
The aforementioned antagonist, Morgan Sinclair, is intimidating in the grand old
Snidely Whiplash tradition. His major powers seem to include following Freemont
around, and having his friends pull strings to create paperwork discrepancies.
Also, he is apparently the only character in the film smart enough to carry a
gun. He manages to slay many around him, though in reality, his is an evil that
could have easily been defeated by anyone with basic motor skills.
The very lovely Leonor Varela plays Rachel Weisz, (oh, who are we kidding at
this point) and does so very well considering I can only catch about a quarter
of what she says. (This is due more to poor audio mixing and scene pacing than
to her rather unique accent.)
Rajesh Balwani playing Kevin J. O' Conner, Brendan Patricks as John Hannah, and
Andy McDowell as a refugee from 'Bloodrayne'
round out our very embarrassed cast.
Russell Mulcahy as a director in general is an enigma. His early career, directing the geek-enshrined 'Highlander', seemed to belie promise. Any illusion of this however, he quickly pissed away on the thoroughly asinine sequel, and an insultingly mediocre adaptation of 'The Shadow'. (Although I enjoyed the film for what it was, I'd be the first to admit the whole thing was tone-deaf, Baldwin was completely unconvincing, and a spectacular supporting cast was wasted.) Here, he not only woefully under-directs any human performance, but also manages to make Indian location shooting seem like it was done on a Canadian back lot, and cgi effects by Microsoft paint. The constant stock repetition of these sub-Sci-fi original goobers as "mystic visions" only highlights their inanity. Correct me if I'm wrong but isn't cgi -even the lousy variety - expensive? (At least it was initially.) It seems that this cartoonish rubbish has just become so de' rigueur, that even at its most awful, filmmakers never consider employing cheaper and ultimately more convincing practical effects. (You're reviewing a Hallmark Channel produced Mummy movie, stop using french, ya pompous ass!)
Aye, but it gets much worse. You see this film itself is but a Lovecraftian vision of things to come. In a twist of fate I could not have imagined in my most fevered nightmares, Mulcahy was chosen to direct the third and (please, dear merciful God) final entry of the 'Resident Evil' series, soon to be inflicted on filmgoers nationwide.
Oh sweet Brigit.
I can't really say that anyone will enjoy this film, per say. It's the type of movie you have fun at, not with; grade-A "WTF was that supposed to be" riff fodder. I can only follow my instincts, and give it a recommendation in a 'you've got to see this clip of a monkey peeing in its own mouth' sort of way, but I feel secure in doing so.
Quality = 1.5 Cheesy Enjoyability = 9.5