I gave this presentation in public speaking class last year, and now I present for your edification, the top nine reasons Halloween is better than Christmas. Why nine and not ten? Originally it was five because we all wanted to get home. Now it’s nine, because I’m still lazy.

9:

No Cooking!

You know the drill. Christmas is like Thanksgiving squared. Not only do you have the usual turkey dinner with all the trimmings, but you probably have a ham to go with it. (Unless you choose one or the other, but this always leads to the requisite familial ham vs. turkey jihad.) Aside from the pumpkin and fruit pies, you also have to deal with a myriad of cookies, and those odd old-world desserts like mince pie, fruitcake and flaming plum pudding that only crazy old farts like myself enjoy. (And believe me, we get pissed if they’re not present!) And that's just Christmas Day! You also have the Christmas Eve party with its piles of hors d'oeuvres, dips, and cheesy comestibles. All so your fat uncle Morty can sit on the couch, undo his belt, and burp.
Halloween? Heck, just dump a bag or two of Snickers in a bowl and make up a pile of Big Crazy Mike’s Aged Samhain Samaches if you like. There, you’re done! Enjoy the carnage!

8:

Dress like a moron!

Oh sure, at Christmas you might get to pull that reindeer sweater out of storage, and maybe even wear a top hat to go caroling (if you have the cajones) but just try going about your routine while wearing a chicken suit and see if you get looks!

7:

No seasonal depression!

When’s the last time you heard about skyrocketing suicide rates being linked to trick-or-treating? Never!

6:

Unabashed Paganism!

Oh sure, they tried to tack on that silly "All Souls Day", but it couldn’t bury Samhain. Let’s face it, Christmas is just a mish-mash of Yule and Saturnalia with a phony religious veneer, but Halloween could never be mistaken for anything but a raucous festival of death, gluttony, and all that fun stuff!

5:

Better Tv!

Don’t get me wrong, I like a good adaptation of Dickens, what with ghosts and such flying around all akimbo. However, there are just so many variations that can be done on the same theme. (When Susan Lucci and Kathy Griffin get their mitts on something, you might as well flush it.) Compare and contrast with Halloween, where even the most tepid networks (like whatever’s left of the old ‘Family Channel’) showcase programming featuring vengeful specters, zombies, buckets o’ blood, and all the other little things that make life so grand!

4:

For once, your goth kids won’t embarrass you!

Are you unfortunate enough to have one of those humorless, pancake makeup-wearing little wieners in your clan? (Oh, you poor bastard.) Well fear not! Halloween’s the one day you can introduce little Judy (or Drusilla, or whatever the hell she’s calling herself nowadays) to your boss without dreading the awkward stares. Hell, the stupid old fart will probably be dressed less conservatively than she is! Of course when Easter rolls around and she’s still wearing the same stupid leather bustier, you’re screwed.

3:

Good-hearted dumbassery!

Most people cut you a little slack for acting like a complete snicker doodle on Halloween. Just make sure you exercise a little bit of self control, unlike you do say at a Christmas party, which usually end in hangovers if not paternity suits.

2:

It pisses off all the right people!

Quick! What do Jerry Falwell, Michael Medved, and that dour old man who lives the next block over and won’t return any Frisbees that land in his yard have in common? That’s right! They all hate Halloween! Granted, Christmas also has its share of joyless castrati that appose it (Hello Mr. Newdow!) but that’s another article.

1:

Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups

Nuff’ said.