In this first person shooter based on the Romero film, you play the part of a hayseed who must blast his way from the outskirts of civilization all the way to the salvation of Fiddler’s Green.

Upon reading the horrid notices this game had received, I was skeptical. "How could anyone screw up a George Romero zombie game?", I philosophized. Well, they found a way. Or twelve.

The first thing you’ll notice upon booting up ’Land of the Dead’ is that it looks seven years old. Now, normally I’m more wowed by content than technology. When a game is blasted as being pre-dated (say ala ‘Return to Castle Wolfenstein’) I often find myself forgetting such if I’m truly having fun. No such luck here.

The lame graphics seriously detract from the chill factor. While there are some nice mutilated, wormy, and desiccated cadaver models, you’ll often find yourself running into identical figures over and over again. (For example, you’ll kill what appears to be the exact same nurse roughly 57 times in the hospital level.) Environments and objects are blocky and unconvincing. In fact, the entire production is totally half-assed. The game engine is poorly designed and hiccups whenever something is loaded into your environment. Interaction with your surroundings is nil. The game leads by hand like a toddler, afraid that you’ll break something if it lets you play around with it. Worse, there are no real extras here. Would it have killed them to put in a few in-jokes, maybe some unlockable Romero or Savini interviews? Such laziness taints even the game concept itself. There have been so many damn zombie games over the years that if you’re going to add yet another to the pile, you damn well better have something new to show us. If anything, ’Land’ dumbs down the genre. Remember that comment I made in the Game Ratings section about just shooting endless zombies? This is that game! Shoot a zombie, shoot another zombie, shoot a different zombie, shoot a zombie with an axe. Whee. There are no real bosses, and very little variety to the gameplay.

In a futile attempt to alleviate some of this sameness, different undead types were added to the proceedings. The screamers let out high-pitched shrieks to call out other undead. (Even being pack animals, why would they want more competition for their food source?) The bloated pukey ones posses a noxious air and toxic vomit. Some walk bent over on all fours like a crab. (Why? The point of being a zombie is that your brain is half-dead. How the hell could they summon the muscle control to maintain such an awkward pose, and what tactical advantage would it have?) For me, this limp attempt at variety actually detracted from the game, as I never felt that I was truly in Romero’s universe. The undead here do not act like the genuine article. Instead of lurching towards you, stretching out their arms, and biting you, they flail away ala ‘Doom 3’, or use one of their special attacks. Sometimes, they’ll get an extra little burst of confidence and run at you. I guess those zombies use Aleve® to deal with the stiffness.

In fact, the whole game is very un-Romero in totalum. The plot is driven by events, not character conflict. What little bit of story is present is terribly predictable, and the ending is weak as hell. Though there is no real character development, I‘ll admit that the protagonist is quite likable in his own way. (Imagine Bruce Campbell as a stoic middle-aged pig farmer. On second thought, no, don’t do that. You’ll sprain something. ) Cut scenes are nice enough, and the occasional tv or radio broadcast help to build tension. On the whole however, there’s precious little point to the narrative.

Atmosphere saves the game from being a total loss. I’ll admit, the first few levels had me shivering. Being alone and unarmed in a farmhouse and  hearing the undead start to break down the doors, was very nerve-wracking. The same can be said for blindly wandering through a cornfield infested with flesh-eaters, or entering a neighbor’s basement only to hear moaning echoing throughout the house. The occasional mangled corpse tableau or twitching body bag make things nice and spooky. Despite its limitations, the game might have been genuinely scary save for one fatal flaw. Being a buggy piece of crap, the software chugs every time a zombie is loaded into any given area. This all but completely kills the mounting ambience, as you can see every attack coming from a mile away.

With magically-appear cadavers popping in on you every few seconds, you’ll be happy to know that play control is the game’s high point. (Hey Kids! Can you say "Damning with faint praise"?) While not perfect, maneuvering around is fluid enough to get the job done. Aiming is ok, but rather pointless as the body-point specific damage system only works with a few weapons. (You can explode heads all day long with the revolver, but don’t even waste your time with the 22. rifle.) Oy, there was more nuanced shooting in ‘Goldeneye 64’, and that game's over a decade old! Running can be a bit wonky, due to what was either a stamina management system, or just poor button sensitivity, I’m still not sure. Remember future game designers- if one of your brilliant control nuances makes the game feel like it’s broken, it best just to leave it out. (For example, oh, everything in ‘Call of Cthulhu’, or ‘Siren’.) I have for the most part been referring to the regular run n’ gun controls. When the game branches out to add variety, you will begin to miss the hollow workman-like experience you’d been having up till that point. A sniper escort mission and a turn in a heavy gunner turret are equal parts spastic, frustrating and asinine. These aspects of the game feel just like what they are; cheap, tacked-on filler material with a slap-dash at best execution.

Considering how long fans waited for the cinematic ‘Land’ to be released and how completely kickass it was, this game is just an insult. Then again, it would be insulting even if the movie had sucked, this game is just that shoddy. Put a bullet in this one’s brainpan; it’s a goner.