Big Crazy Mike’s Aged Samhain Samaches!
"Like a good wine or cheese, a sandwich needs to be properly aged. In the olden days a country squire would age his pheasants for weeks before they were deemed fit for human consumption."
"In the olden days people died of ptomaine poisoning and blamed it on ghosts."
~ Phil Hartman & Maura Tierney. ‘Newsradio’, Arcade
And now, a traditional, simple and psychotic holiday recipe from my college buddy, Big Crazy Mike. It’s a surprisingly tasty form of the traditional Italian grinder and has been enjoyed annually by Mike’s big crazy family ever since the year he had his first breakdown! (Note: Neither The Haunted Bog nor its authors cannot be held personally liable for any injuries or deaths which may incur from trying this recipe. Enjoy at own peril.)
Ingredients:
A Dozen Portuguese Rolls (If you cant find any of these try for some hearty grinder rolls about double the length of a traditional hamburger roll.
About 24 slice of CHEAP Bologna (Good meat doesn’t work as well for these puppies. Look for a generic Oscar Meyer® knockoff)
About 24 slices of cheap COOKED salami (see above caveat)
About 12 slices of ham (good is ok, cheap is better)
24 Cheap individually wrapped "cheese" slices (orange flavored, not white flavored. FDA regulation forbid me from using the word "cheddar")
Lettuce (leaves, not shredded)
Tomatoes
Onions
Yellow mustard
Mayo-naisse!
A jar of green olives with red pimento centers
A jar of spear cut dill pickles
Box of toothpicks
Plastic wrap, or a plastic grocery bag or 2 will do in a pinch
Assembly:
It can be a daunting task, so take a Henry Ford assembly line approach, (minus the anti-Semitism) cut all the buns open horizontally with a small hinge at the back. (They should look like open storage trunks. You know, the kind you stow mob victims in.)
Cut all the onions and tomatoes into medium-to-thin slices, Unwrap the cheese. You should have at least two slices of Bolg. & Salam. For each bun, if not just slice the meat into halves and use roughly equal amounts for each samach (the recipe is pretty forgiving)
Slather mayo on the bottom of each bun and layer toppings in this order;
Onions, lettuce leaves, meat, cheese, tomatoes, and a small squirt of mustard on top
This order is very important to prevent things from slipping out!
Stick tooth picks through the olives and pickles, then use two olive-eyes and a pickle mouth to make "monster" faces on the top bun each samach. (It just gets sadder, doesn’t it folks?)
Now The most important step! Build a pyramid of sandwiches on a large platter (Damn! I forgot to add the platter to the list!) and use the plastic wrap to seal in the evil juices. Let the samaches sit over-night. The mayo will mellow out the onion, and the "cheese " will blend nicely with the meat. They just get better the longer they sit. (Well, up to a point, over four days is kinda cutting it close. Try to finish them off by All Saint‘s Day.)
10/29/05