(Note: If you are not a fan of the Silent Hill games, half of this review won’t make a lick of sense. Just smile and nod during those parts; I’m used to being humored.)

Well, they did it. They finally did it. They created a game-to-film adaptation which perfectly mirrors the brilliant atmosphere of its source.

And then they pissed it all away.

Many had high hopes for this project, but not myself. I’ll admit, my cynicism was a defense mechanism. Neither the empty blather director Christophe Gans spewed forth about staying faithful to the source material (ha!) nor my intense admiration for his previous work could shake loose the uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach. In my tiny, inky-black heart of hearts, I knew a way would be found to screw up this project. What’s frustrating is not that 'Silent Hill’ is a mediocre film, but how it goes about its half-assedness. In part, this is a work of sheer transcendental brilliance, but one hobbled by a sledgehammer of banality and cliché.

At first I was worried about shifting the locale of the town from New England to West Virginia. Why eschew the land of Poe and Lovecraft for that of spoiled debutantes and boiled peanuts? This move was only necessitated by the subplot of underground coal fires, which in turn was merely a lazy way to explain the town’s desertion. (Ugh. Why do people always get this wrong? Silent Hill is not deserted; that’s what makes the misty dimension so bizarre. It’s a seemingly normal little resort community, unless it has selected you personally to be its victim.) This aside I must say, the setting is magnificent. The foggy realm of Silent Hill is perfectly realized. The quaint little shops, abandoned dwellings, and empty streets drip with quiet menace. White ash falls from the sky like November snow. Simply gorgeous. (The shift in setting also allowed for the “miners", dishevled malefactors that one initially takes to be the ghosts of dead workers. They were a nice touch, until their true, insipid nature was revealed.)

For a short while, the film follows the plot of the game quite faithfully. The opening scenes which spell out Rose’s motivation for visiting the town are a bit weak, but necessary in terms of plot structure. (The game opens right after the accident scene. Though I wish the film had been more avant-guard, explaining the visit after the fact just wouldn’t have worked.) After crashing on a dark road, Rose awakes to find her daughter gone. Following a fleeting figure which she takes to be Sharon, Rose is drawn into a hideous nightmare where shadowy decay pervades, and eviscerated corpses are strung up like Christmas garland. This sequence come almost scene-for-scene from the game, and beautifully recreates the dreadful experience of reality breaking apart. The dark dimension of Silent Hill is brilliantly constructed. A black cage of rust and rot hanging forever in an endless void, it’s about as close to Hell as the mortal mind can comprehend.

The demons of Silent Hill are as lovingly recreated as the netherworld they inhabit. The demonic children aren’t quite as creepy as true “mumblers”, but their infantile mewling is nicely chilling. The bile-vomiting, eternally-bound patient demons are a sweet touch, and giant screaming carnivorous roaches round out the cast. The only holdout for some fans might be the nurses. Blinded, distorted things, they move with a jerking, uniform (sexualized?) strut. Though a potent symbol of their absent humanity and single-minded malice, it’s also a bit silly looking and reminded my friend of the hokey-pokey. Do I even have to tell you that Pyramid Head is brilliant? His labored gait and uber-intimidating panache are perfectly recreated. Not just another peon to us geeks, he belongs in this universe and seems an essential component of it. A new addition to the bestiary is the Janitor. To write any more of him would be a spoiler. Let’s just say he’s rather unpleasant company.

( Just a side note; as much as I enjoyed the monsters, I would have preferred that they be drawn from Rose’s subconscious, rather than Alyssa’s. However to be fair, this is the case in the first game as well. Harry has little to no psychic connection with any of the critters he meets.)

It’s pretty easy to identify with poor Rose; her situation is horrifying on so many levels. Not only has her child disappeared, the deadly realm of Silent Hill makes seeking her out no easy task. ( Not that she has a choice. Maternal instinct aside the town is inescapable, being literally cut off from reality.) Rose eventually meets up with Cybil Bennett, a motorcycle cop from the neighboring town of Brahms. After an initial confrontation the two band together in a desperate effort to stay alive.

Following eerie clues left behind by Valitel only knows who, leads Rose and Cybil to a stately hotel. There they meet a lone straggler, who proceeds to chew so much scenery I was worried the set would collapse around them. Tanya Allen who portrays the simpering Anna is often unfairly cited as the worst actress in the piece. This is not true, the fault mostly lies with the asinine dialog she is forced to mouth. (I never though anything would make “Radio? Huh. What’s up with the radio?” or “Childish sleep talk!” sound brilliant by comparison.)

She proclaims (in silly faux-evangelical chirping) that the group is not safe, and that they must seek out the guidance of Christabella. I broke into cold sweats. “Christabella? Wasn’t that the name of the insipid foul-mouthed little nit that appeared in Scott Ciencin’s slapdash, juvenile ‘SH’ comic ?” Unfortunately, my primal insists were dead on. This scene marks the exact point where the film flushes its enjoyably factor straight down the poop exhaust. (Well, save for one more appearance from the red god of judgment, who spares up the further presence of Anna by ripping the unworthy hide from her carcass. I swear, even in a work this haphazard ol’ PH can do no wrong by me. *Sigh*, he‘s the ginchiest!)

Rose and Cybil meet up with the rest of the survivors in a local church, the only place of refuge from “the darkness”. They constantly shriek “witch” at the newcomers like extras from a grade-school production of ‘The Crucible.’ They gape and grimace like goldfish with mental disorders. The group are as annoying as a mime who won’t turn off his cell phone. (They’re so bad they cause an undead Celtic film reviewer to write more half-assed similes than the bastard child of Raymond Chandler and an ‘X-play’ intern.)

I began having flashbacks to ‘The Village‘. Has any Hollywood screenwriter actually been in a church? I don’t care if these people are supposed to be part of a cult, human beings neither speak nor act like these buffoons. (Well, save perhaps for those animated rat droppings that protest at the funerals of fallen soldiers, but they gave up their human race membership cards a long time ago.)

Alice Krige as Christabella quickly takes Anna’s place as total buzz-kill. Though not a awful actress, she’s the most irritating of an insufferable lot. She vomits up more hackneyed stereotypical “religious fanatic” lines than Jerry Falwell at a Jack Chick comic book eating contest. (Look, I don’t what it means either.) After an unpleasant introductory period, we are treated to a ‘getting ready to kick demon ass’ montage as our group suit up for battle and descend the church steps to the beat of an up-tempo jazzy little ditty. As if I weren’t cringing enough already, for a moment I felt that my disappointment had induced a psychotic break. That I had entered a fugue state where Uwe Boll had indeed bought up the production rights to my favorite game.

I don’t want you to think that my vehement hatred for this script cul-de-sac is fan-boy bitching. This is a film, and I’m judging it on that level. All adaptations are imperfect, but this one simply doesn’t understand what it’s even about. On its most primary level, ‘SH’ is about bringing a lone protagonist face to face with the physical embodiment of their own past. The whole cult plotline shifts focus from the individual to a group dynamic. The film then quickly becomes another action flick, as the terror of losing a child is forgotten and replaced with a survival quest motif. In effect, this imbecilic bit of scripting not only neuters the film’s carefully built aura of claustrophobic dread, but negates the true essence of the Silent Hill experience. This is not about unfaithful storytelling (though the film has that in spades) but about clichéd, silly, and ultimately uninteresting writing.

(Though if I may indulge in a little nitpicking, why precisely did they change Dahlia into such a tragic figure, yet have her basic narrative function usurped by Christabella? Series familiars don’t appreciate pointless revision, and those who’ve never played the game would have been just as shocked by Dahlia’s transgression.)

When it comes to game narrative versus film, I am not so concerned with what has changed as what has been short-changed. The discursive cult plot is doubly damned, as while the film boasts a hefty run time, (well over 2 hours) many aspects of the game are left unexplored. Consider the hospital sequence. Perhaps the most memorable and terrifying segment of the games is given a quick run-through, and the tragic, endearing character of Lisa Garland is reduced to a non-speaking, unnamed, extra. Not to mention that for casual mainstream viewers, I’m sure her appearance is a puzzling non-sequitur. (And not to whine, but Emily Lineham who portrays “the red nurse” as she is referred to, lacks Lisa’s fresh-scrubbed beauty. She looks more like playmate of the year, though I certainly hope she wouldn’t consider that an insult. ) Though it’s rather unprecedented in mainstream film, the movie would have worked much better as open-ended exploration of the town by Rose, who would only encounter the handful of characters present in the original game. (Hell, they could have even dropped Kaufman for all I care.)

Adding insult to injury is the clumsy exposition delivered near the merciful end of the proceedings. One of the primary strengths of the ‘SH’ games is that much like the films of Argento and Lynch that inspired them, they allow the audience to make up their own minds about what everything means. (Though I’d argue that trying to find meaning in the cannon of David Lynch is an exercise in futility.) I realize that many filmgoers don’t like to think, and by letting any narrative subtlety die like a gutshot chipmunk Gans was hoping for mainstream success. Unfortunately, since not one reviewer seems to understand the film, I’d say he failed miserably. Dumbing things down for the uninitiated was simply the wrong strategy. When given choice, speak up to your audience. Those who are going to “get it” will. Those who don’t - be they hoi polloi or pseudo intellectual - aren’t going to, no matter how thinly your plot is boiled down, nor how gently it’s spoon-fed to them. (Right, Mr. Ebert?)

‘Silent Hill’ is not simply uneven. There are veins of poor craftsmanship which run through the entire film. The acting is a bit of a sore spot. As mentioned before, most of the cult extras are hammy as hell. A greater pity is that not one of the leads is outstanding . I hate to pick on a child, but Jodelle Ferlan is ill-prepared to play the role of Sharon. She’s not Dakota Fanning level awful, just artificial and unconvincing. To her credit, she does much better when her performance branches out to the role(s) of Alyssa/Samael. The weakness of this incarnation stems from the screenplay, as “the demon” is conceived as glib and taunting. (Akin to Christabella, the aforementioned petulant ghost child from the comics .) Radha Mitchell as Rose is adequate if not brilliant. She fares better in the more terrifying scenes than those which require confrontation or subtlety. Laurie Holden’s turn as Officer Cybil Bennett isn't overly convincing, but she carries the character with strength and dignity. (Well, once she drops the initial civil servant bitchiness.)

Spoiler warning! Highlight to read paragraph:
This is why the disrespectful treatment her character is given rubbed me completely the wrong way. While Cybil almost certainly dies in the original game, to see her tortured and offed so dismissively was utterly distasteful. Worse yet, the whole burning segment is too long, shows far too much, and lacks any subtlety whatsoever. (Much like the film entire.) The scene isn’t shocking or even sad, just off-putting. Why not give her a martyr’s death in the hospital? Why bring her back (in a totally unbelievable manner) just to kill her off again painfully and flippantly? I assume the scene where her charred corpse sprang back to life, only to be fataly mauled then humped by a stray terrier was cut for pacing reasons. (I’m sure it’ll be on the dvd.)

Frankly, as under whelming as I found the performances, I can’t really blame any of these people. They have talent, what they don’t have is any damn thing to work with. No, the blame for this lackluster spectacle falls squarely on the shoulders of Gans and scriptwriter Roger Avery. Not since the work of Ed Wood have I witnessed such a tin ear for human speech. Even aside from the previously mentioned cult gibberish, many simple lines are hideously stilted. (For those who don’t know, Avery wrote the script for ‘Pulp Fiction’ . Yet another reason to let said film linger on my “Affected films art students keep telling me to see yet I purposefully avoid” list, right next to ‘Dr. Strangelove’.)

Though I loved ‘Brotherhood of the Wolf’, no one could ever claim that the small amount of very lame CGI in the film was a high point. Unfortunately, Chris just doesn’t learn from his mistakes. As nice as the creatures are, many of the computer effects connected to them (such as Pyramid Head being shot in the arm) are simply unconvincing.