Tales from the Crypt (2007)

Tales from the Crypt (2007)

I guess I'm out of the geek loop. Papercutz apparently bought up the 'Tales from the Crypt' license and sometime around June began putting out their very own updated E.C. comics. Ugh.
Now no one could ever match the original comics, at least as the cultural touchstone they've become, so don't think I'm going to judge these by some impossible to match holy nostalgic standard. The question is not whether or not these mags can stand up to the genuine article, but if they do the E.C. heritage justice on their own terms.
The answer: No, no they certainly don't, and what's worse is that they don't even seem to be trying. This presentation is beyond cartoonist, it's insulting.

Now Jack Davis' rubbery characters were well suited for both horror and humor. Likewise, Krigstein's semi-cubist style was not what anyone could describe as realistic, (and initially met with scorn from some readers) but it carried a heavy emotional impact. Papercutz spotlight artist "Mr. Ellis" on the other hand presents the 'Crypt' universe in the form and tones of a kindergarten train wreck. Not only does his technique effectively ice any tension or suspense, even facial expressions or non-static actions are laboriously obscure when rendered in this style. It cannot be frightening and the sad fact is it's apparently not supposed to be.

I'd like to think this is more than a simple money making endeavor; selling out the name of a venerated bygone art form like so much halibut. Maybe some of these folk have their hearts in the right place, but the rest of the viscera is sorely lacking.
The dirty truth is that Papercutz is a kiddie outfit. I wish I could say I'm glad to see 'Crypt' resurrected no matter the circumstances, but this is almost a mockery. Gone are Ghastly's putrid revenants and Craig's leggy dames. In their place are garish clowns and banter spouting 'Seinfeld' refugees. This is not E.C., this is not even Saturday morning 'Cryptkeeper'. This is Disneyfied bullcrap well expected from a company that produces anime adaptations of Nancy Drew and Pope John Paul II comics. (My favorite is the one where he fights Venom.)

In a recent interview PC's editor, Jim Salicrup claimed, "…most of the original Crypt comics would be approved by the Comics Code today."
Uh, hell no sir, they wouldn't, and even suggesting such is a fine illustration of the utter pointlessness of this new venture. Every pain is taken to avoid spilled blood. Whether victims or malefactors, characters in this world suffer so many fear-based heart attacks you'd think they used cans of boston cream pie filling as a condiment. We even have the odd tale of redemption, where the slimy bad guy gets to learn his lesson and get away with a little community service.
WTF!?

As if the art and spirit weren't bad enough in themselves, the stories they illuminate are as lazy as a zombie teamster. From a basement dwelling fanboy mobbed by his own toys, to a larcenous couples who become killers more out of clumsiness than malice, narrative follows an irony-free paint by numbers roadmap.
As much as we all love the old Gaines/Feldstein stories, I'll be the first to admit they where formulaic and predictable as all hell. But then again, that's rather the point. How hard is it in the 21st century to write at least to their level? (Cripes, that godawful old 'Hitchhiker' show did better with poetic justice than this!)

I hate to discourage any effort to revamp E.C. comics, but both we and the dear old ghoulunatics deserve better than a bargain basement resurrection by an obscure pabulum-peddling publisher.
And you know what, I'm not just going to dwell on the negative. This series can be tuned up. (For once, I'm going to put my money where my mouth is; a copy of the following has been mailed to the new 'Tales' editors.)

First off, I'm not going to say your current artwork sucks, it just has no place in this series. "Mr. Exes" has a fine talent for farce, but he can't do creepy to save his own derrière. Your style needs some edge, and if you didn't want to hire anyone outside of your in-house staff you shouldn't have bothered with this license. Now, no one expects you to exhume Graham Ingels or shanghai Mike Mignola as regulars. (A nice commissioned cover would lend some street cred though.) However, there's plenty of young blood trying to make a name in the comics business. Hire some realists; even a flat figure style is preferable to the truly embarrassing 'Penny Arcade' on lsd bit you're putting out now.

Second but just as important, drive a stake through this idea that you can do 'Crypt' as some kind of 'Goosebumps' jr., suitable for all ages crapola. E.C. is about subversion. We fanaddicts don't do family friendly. Gore, sexual tension and social critique were just as important to the old stories as silly puns and twist endings.

A third point, don't drag your feet with these stories. Two tales an issue? The old comics had four stories, plus the occasional short prose. (And they sure as hellfire didn't cost 4 bucks a pop.)

As I understand it, the first issue of 'TftC' sold out. Good you've got some attention; now you'll have to give us a damn good reason to keep buying. You've got a money-maker here, don't cheap it away.

(I'm sure they'll trip over themselves to impress me now.)

Update; I-Mockery had their own fun with the new 'Crypt' comics, check it out!

1.5