I think this film was supposed to be funny. I’m not trying to be facetious, I really have no idea if I’m right or not. Understand, when I say that I think 'Teenage Zombie’ is a comedy, I say it with the same amount of objective certainty as one of those historians who says that Lincoln was gay, or that Jesus was married to Mary Magdalene. Maybe there’s a fragment of a clue here or there that backs up my thesis, but certainly no hard evidence. Ok, I admit it, now I’m being facetious. ’Zombie’ was conceived as a spoof of 50’s horror films, or zombie films, or Hell, I don’t know. Some damn thing. It just happens to be about as funny as a drowned kitten on Christmas morning.

The first thing that impresses me about this film is its ugliness. Now, I’m not a picky guy, I love no-budget amateur horror films. Heck some of the greatest films in the whole genre, ‘The Evil Dead’, ‘Texas Chainsaw Massacre’, have been made on shoestring budgets. But the guys who made this film simply had no idea how to go about doing it in the first place. ’Zombie’ goes so far beyond the ugliness and incompetence displayed in so many super 8mm shot backyard productions. Hell, the 8^th generation VHS bootleg copy of ‘Within The Woods’ you picked up at that comic convention looks just about as good as this. Almost every scene is either over or under lit. There is an upside to this however, since most of shots are either badly washed out or smothered in shadow, you don’t have to spend a lot of time looking at the gray parking lots used as sets, or the unappealing cast. Look, I’m not going to pull a John Simon here. I think only jackasses throw personal shots at filmmakers rather than reviewing their work based on its merits. It’s something I try never to do. (Well, except for the whole “Milla Jovovich is a whore" thing, and I was half kidding on that. Just trying to piss off the fan-boys, really. No really! I was doing shtick! Homina homina homina!) But really, this film leaves me no other choice, I have to say it. The characters are written as being a bunch of geeky, pug-ugly shlubs, and they couldn’t have assembled a better cast. You really do get they idea that these are real people playing themselves, which makes it all the sadder, for I couldn’t imagine anyone wanting to spend 90 minutes in the presence of these losers.

Like the video component, the audio for this film is also atrocious. (And I should really stop using the term ‘film’, it barely qualifies as a movie. Even ‘flick’ is too dignified.) The soundtrack consists of badly muffled popular 80’s songs (Odd, as I thought they were going for a 50’s schlock vibe. Wow, I’m putting more thought into the direction of this film than the film makers did.) and the occasional 'midi file from Hell' piece of original music. (Basically, someone noodling around on a Casio® ) The majority of audio for the film thing seems to have been recorded on a ten year old Fisher Price® tape player that the director picked up at a yard sale. Consider the scene where the lads try to buy some ganja from a burned-out hippie, which takes place on said longhair’s patio. Between the wind blowing into the microphone, the traffic going by, and the general substandard audio equipment, we only catch about ever third word he says. (And thank Allah for that, as it appears that that scene was another spastic attempt at some more 4th grade level witticism.)

Yep, just like the cruddy cinematography, the piss-poor audio is a blessing in disguise, as it guards the audience from hearing the excre-tastic dialogue, consisting mostly of half-assed attempts at clever zingers, one liners, and put-downs. I never thought I’d see a film talkin' picture that made ’The Sleeping Car’ seem witty in comparison. The writing in general is just crap. The attempts at humor are as limp as an old man’s, um, old manhood. ANYWAY, they’re just not funny. The gags are broad and infantile, at least those odd lumps of writing and direction that I can ascertain as having been intended as jokes in the first place. Needless to say, the plot itself is shite. The characters are all irritating as hell, the premise is idiotic (yes, even for a ‘parody’) and the tacked-on romantic subplot only exists to pad out the proceedings. ( I have no idea why I was expected to care about these people. Honestly, if you make your cast of characters a gaggle of brainless yammering jerks, how the hell can you expect to emotionally connect with the audience, romantic complications or not?)

This film  flicker show just has no idea why it wants to exist! There’s no point, no direction, it’s just there! Listless and aimless, without meaning or purpose. This is what happens when you get a bunch of talentless dinks together who want to make a movie for no damn reason.

There is some stab (Ha! Punny!) made at gore effects, but if you’re willing to sit through this dreck for a few rubber body parts, phony heads, and jello-mold brains all doused in syrupy fake blood, then you’re beyond my help. If you are masochistic enough to ignore my sage advice and actually view this film festering pig turd, be sure to watch for a charming rape and murder scene played for laughs.

Played for laughs.

You know, it’s pretty damn hard to offend me, but I’d like to use someone’s withered little balls for punching bags after seeing that.