Troll 2

Plot:

A dim, lumpy family agrees to switch houses with some folk in the good town of Nilbog. (*Snicker*) Josh’s dead Grandpa helpfully possesses homeless people from time to time, in order to warn him of hideous goblin conspiracies, and give him orders to pee on the kitchen table. We also learn that warm buttermilk kept on bookshelves will turn you into a fichus, and that any woman who claims to possess powerful druid snack recipes is insane. (In real life, the last bit is generally true as well.)

Comments:

Oh my. I can't believe that, even in my own miniscule way, I'm finally attempting to review this film. 'Troll 2' is widely recognized in some circles as being the worst movie ever made.
Is it? Well of course not. Like many film branded with the "worst" label, 'T2' is far too enjoyable to truly be repugnant. Don't get me wrong, oh my lord is it bad; but it's so astoundingly, incandescently bad, that you just can't stop watching it. This almost ethereal level of suckiness also makes the film a chore and a half to actually try and review. I can't do it justice, only a proper viewing can do that. I can only try my best.

Well, ok, let's get started. The writing is, um, unique. I suppose so in the same way that the three-legged dog with diarrhea that used to live next door to my uncle was unique. It's not pleasant to be around in any way, and certainly not good for anything, but it certainly does keep the conversation going.
This type of dialogue has never before been experienced by the most fevered tongue or pen. I would give you some examples, like when the girl is in front of the mirror, and... no, I cant.. just, watch the movie.
An amazing trick was to make every character a complete cipher, yet wholly unlikable in every way. More amazingly, in order to cement this theme the director apparently strove to assemble a cast comprising the most wooden, verbally tone deaf examples of the species homo sapient ever committed to film. The most outstanding player would have to be Deborah Reed as a powerful troll sorceress, the descendant of ancient druids, and complete f*cking dipsh*t. Rolling her eyes and facially gesticulating more than the bastard child of Willie Best and Jenna Jameson, I do have to say she throws absolutely everything into a performance.
As a mentioned before, the plot has something to do with ghosts, urine, Hi-C Ecto Cooler that turns people into plants, and a group of gay virgins who all live together in a trailer on the edge of town. (Nilbog, of course. It used to be a lot more authentically rustic, before they built that damn Tramlaw right in the middle.)
There are also a bunch of kids in rubber masks, and something about a sandwich, which was dubbed so I'm sure it's important.

The one true reason I simply would never dream of naming this film the worst in history, is that it is so immanently watchable. In it's own retardedly creative way, the film is some kind of brilliant. In what other movie does a man turned into a turned into a houseplant by a mug of dry ice, appear to receive sexual gratification from a fish eyed druid priestess pruning him with a chainsaw? This movie isn't simply disjointed, odd, distasteful, and dopey, it's Uwe Boll meets David Lynch.

Of course such a surreal level of idiocy can have unforeseen side effects. A few moments into the wholly predictable 'Phantasm' knock-off resolution, I began to experience an odd ringing in my head. As the film dragged out to a bad end, I began bleeding from the mouth for some reason. I'm not being jokey, here's a small jpeg of my review notes just to prove it.

So keep in mind if you attempt to watch this film, that it may actually kill you. I really only got through it with the help of Rifftrax, a heartily recommended addendum to your viewing experience.
Either way 'Troll 2' is enjoyable bad-movie rite of passage, and I suppose, only occasionally fatal to the audience. So yeah, it's still better than 'Haunted House'.

Quality =0.0       Cheesy Enjoyability=9.5

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